Thursday, March 24, 2005

Assistance for Kryspatchistan

Breaking news from Jay Reding:

Revolution In Kyrgyzstan

Anti-government forces in the embattled former Soviet republic of Kyrgyzstan have seized control of the capital city of Bishkek this morning as President Askar Ayakev is rumored to have fled to a Russian military base. The protestors also released opposition leader and former Vice President Felix Kulov from jail.

You know, I'm pretty good at geography. But for the life of me, except for the mention of the Russian military base, every location and name in that paragraph sounds like they were made up by a bad Tom-Clancy-wannabe novelist.

Not to diminish the importance of the struggle in Kehhokistan, or where-ever, but can we work on a more America-friendly version of talking about this place? We call Greece "Greece," even though they call their country "Hellas." Germany is "Germany" instead of "Deutchland." England is "The United Kingdom" instead of "Great Britain".... or wait... I mean "England" is to "The United Kingdom" as "Great Britain" is to... no that's not right either. Let's set England aside.

The important point is that we live in a nation with short attention spans and a disdain for places that sound funny. This does not work in favor of emerging democratic movements in places like Kewakistan, or where-ever, who might appreciate the support of the American public in their struggle against Ahab Aysok, or whoever, in Biscotti, or wherever.

Here are some helpful suggestions for renaming the place toward this end:

From now on Kyrgyzstan will be known as Kooltopia in American English.

Bishkek will hereafter be called Bitchin' City.

All the men in the country can choose between "Steve," "Bob," and "Mark," for names. The women will all be called "Lola."

The rest of you can send some money or something. I solved the big problem for you. De nada.


Blogger Steve G. said...

No, wait, there's already way too many people named Steve in this world! How 'bout "Dave" or something...

11:27 AM  

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